So...you remember a while back that i had a rather unhealthy obsession with Lost? well....i did wean myself off of that drug--but now i have something far more powerful to contend with, as far as addictions go. cable tv. its remarkable, actually--i have had it a week and already i am fully caught up on mad men and nip tuck. well, maybe that isnt the remarkable thing. thats just par for the course, i suppose. the remarkable thing is my house finally feels like a home.
how twisted is that!?!?! ive lived here since october--and it takes television to make me feel like i am finally home.
it actually is relaxing. i hate to admit it. i was raised without a tv and i never had any trouble keeping myself entertained--and this was before the internet. speaking of which, the internet certainly isnt relaxing. books certainly are--but i dont have a library card--and probably cant get one, since there is absolutely no record of me living here in philadelphia. im a squatter in this city. no name on a lease. no bills in my name. nothin. so my alternative is the bookstore. and books are really expensive. cable tv, in comparison is not. it is the cost of two books a month. books i would read in two days and then never open again.
so im cutting myself a little slack (as usual!) and allowing myself two and a half months of brain dead tv time. at the end of two and a half months, i will be shipping out to australia--not india, as i had indicated in my earlier post. i did score a second phone interview, actually--i havent responded to the email yet--i should really do that. but i decided that rural india is not where i want to be. especially after i learned that you SHARE A ROOM FOR A YEAR with another teaching fellow--and you share an apartment with three other fellows. im sorry--but im 25 years old and i have a hard enough time sharing an entire house with a roommate who is rarely home at the same time as i. i shared a room with a stranger freshman year in college--and amazingly, it worked out. and we are still dear friends. (although i do remember the maddening feeling of waking up to dear jillian's blow dryer! love you, jilly!)
but now i am older and never intend to share a room with a stranger for an extended period of time again--well, except for at the ashram in australia. that's another thing--my goal in life is to find the discipline to develop my spiritual practice--that would prove a very difficult thing in a room with another person. there would be no meditating before bed or in the morning.
so--i will commence my yogic studies in australia in june...then i will live at the ashram for three months or so, while i carry out the residential portion of the course. there it is. easy, simple, meaningful. it will be so amazing to quit my job. i cannot wait to get on a plane and go across the world by myself.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Opportunities Bring New Paranoias.
So...today i received an email to schedule a phone interview for a teaching fellowship position i applied for in india. i submitted the application in november...i followed up last week -- and lo and behold -- i have a phone interview! exciting, right? one would think... instead, the mere concept of it is producing anxiety and confusion. i was starting toa really get used to the idea of australia...the poshness of the ashram (compared to life in rural india)...getting my yoga training underway...the allure of solo travel...
now--india is suddenly back on the table in my mind...and im confused, dammit!! i know it would be a heck of an adventure...it would also be a challenge...i could head down to kerala and study ayurveda too...that would be amazing.
what is wrong with me?!?! australia will always be there. i can study yoga in india--HELLO!?!? alright...im ready for it. bring on the phone interview. it could be such a great experience. and im convincing my friend brandice to apply too...she is planning on going to nepal otherwise, and wants me to come. another wayward philosophy major, like myself.
that quotation "life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death" came to my mind just now. i forget who said it--maybe garbo? it seems appropriate.
now--india is suddenly back on the table in my mind...and im confused, dammit!! i know it would be a heck of an adventure...it would also be a challenge...i could head down to kerala and study ayurveda too...that would be amazing.
what is wrong with me?!?! australia will always be there. i can study yoga in india--HELLO!?!? alright...im ready for it. bring on the phone interview. it could be such a great experience. and im convincing my friend brandice to apply too...she is planning on going to nepal otherwise, and wants me to come. another wayward philosophy major, like myself.
that quotation "life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death" came to my mind just now. i forget who said it--maybe garbo? it seems appropriate.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
the snow must go on...
just kidding. its been snowing since 8 oclock last night...more than 24 hours. im going a little bit insane. and i cant stop eating. right now, im eating all bran, so at least i dont feel very guilty about that. strange that i find a cereal that looks like little pieces of wood delicious. how odd--i just found a wavy black hair in my cereal. hopefully it belongs to my roommate's boyfriend and was in the bowl before i put the cereal in. that is what i will pretend. im not going to let a hair spoil my snack. it doesnt really look like one of his hairs though. im a little bit grossed out. also irritated.
not because of the hair, but because ive spent the last forty minutes with a hair dryer, hovering over my carpet. my room is leaking. the pressure of the snow on the roof is causing my room to moisten considerably. my carpet is soaked a good three feet out from the wall. i discovered this yesterday morning when i got up and headed to my meditation/altar area. much to my dismay, i discovered that the entire area was pretty well soaked. now it is starting to smell rather funky. i cant believe im wasting 500 bucks a month paying rent in this dump. how shitty is my roof??!! now we just got another 18 inches dumped on us-- i want to dry my rug so the mustiness doesnt continue its seepage...but its really uncomfortable kneeling and trying to blow dry a rug.
anyway, i had a horrible night at work last night--i made forty five dollars and served three tables. its time for a power move. on an up note, i did wait on a guy who does fundraising and development for temple. i sent him my resume today...cool guy. i wouldnt mind doing some fundraising for temple. i really enjoy asking people for money. im shockingly good at it. im even toying with the idea of going back to greenpeace. chances are i could get hired back at my old salaried position. it might be a bit of a nightmare being out on the streets canvassing again, but at least id be doing something much more satisfying...and id have a steady paycheck to boot. quite the bonus.
wow. i am straight up exhausted right now--i couldnt sleep at all last night--i laid awake thinking about my miserable job and how its the strangest thing the way some people can make 700 bucks a week there, even in the winter--and i struggle to make 300. its like the universe is just hitting me over the head with the reality that i am meant to close the chapter entitled "waitressing in rittenhouse square."
i just cant wait to see what the next chapter will be--i feel completely paralyzed right now--financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...but i know that this too shall pass. my mantra of 2010. my friend courtney once told me that 25 was the best year of her twenties. im five months into my 25th year. not so impressed. i feel like im finally an adult, as i said before. but i dont feel like im actually taking responsibility for my happiness at the moment.
i recognize that happiness is an internal state of being-that one has the capacity to be happy at any time, under any circumstances. and i know that i dont have it so bad--thats the kicker--i wasnt born in haiti, im rather attractive, i am in pretty good physical health (despite my sub-par muscularity), i have many friends and a wonderful, supportive family network...i have the ability to earn money, i am debt free, i am std free (holla!)...basically, im one lucky little lady--and still i bitch and moan.
basically, i think one of my fundamental problems is that i enjoy self-sabotaging. i dont do the things that bring me the most happiness. id be far happier if i studied for the gres, after doing an hour of yoga today. instead, i laid in bed and watched 30 rock. there's always tomorrow. i somehow developed this mentality that "i deserve it"--any time i want to indulge my lazy side, i convince myself that i deserve it. im quite good at rationalizing my way into whatever will bring me instant gratification. not exactly a long-term visionary, this one.
at any rate, its high time this little lady got herself to bed. its 10 pm, after all!!
signing off.
not because of the hair, but because ive spent the last forty minutes with a hair dryer, hovering over my carpet. my room is leaking. the pressure of the snow on the roof is causing my room to moisten considerably. my carpet is soaked a good three feet out from the wall. i discovered this yesterday morning when i got up and headed to my meditation/altar area. much to my dismay, i discovered that the entire area was pretty well soaked. now it is starting to smell rather funky. i cant believe im wasting 500 bucks a month paying rent in this dump. how shitty is my roof??!! now we just got another 18 inches dumped on us-- i want to dry my rug so the mustiness doesnt continue its seepage...but its really uncomfortable kneeling and trying to blow dry a rug.
anyway, i had a horrible night at work last night--i made forty five dollars and served three tables. its time for a power move. on an up note, i did wait on a guy who does fundraising and development for temple. i sent him my resume today...cool guy. i wouldnt mind doing some fundraising for temple. i really enjoy asking people for money. im shockingly good at it. im even toying with the idea of going back to greenpeace. chances are i could get hired back at my old salaried position. it might be a bit of a nightmare being out on the streets canvassing again, but at least id be doing something much more satisfying...and id have a steady paycheck to boot. quite the bonus.
wow. i am straight up exhausted right now--i couldnt sleep at all last night--i laid awake thinking about my miserable job and how its the strangest thing the way some people can make 700 bucks a week there, even in the winter--and i struggle to make 300. its like the universe is just hitting me over the head with the reality that i am meant to close the chapter entitled "waitressing in rittenhouse square."
i just cant wait to see what the next chapter will be--i feel completely paralyzed right now--financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...but i know that this too shall pass. my mantra of 2010. my friend courtney once told me that 25 was the best year of her twenties. im five months into my 25th year. not so impressed. i feel like im finally an adult, as i said before. but i dont feel like im actually taking responsibility for my happiness at the moment.
i recognize that happiness is an internal state of being-that one has the capacity to be happy at any time, under any circumstances. and i know that i dont have it so bad--thats the kicker--i wasnt born in haiti, im rather attractive, i am in pretty good physical health (despite my sub-par muscularity), i have many friends and a wonderful, supportive family network...i have the ability to earn money, i am debt free, i am std free (holla!)...basically, im one lucky little lady--and still i bitch and moan.
basically, i think one of my fundamental problems is that i enjoy self-sabotaging. i dont do the things that bring me the most happiness. id be far happier if i studied for the gres, after doing an hour of yoga today. instead, i laid in bed and watched 30 rock. there's always tomorrow. i somehow developed this mentality that "i deserve it"--any time i want to indulge my lazy side, i convince myself that i deserve it. im quite good at rationalizing my way into whatever will bring me instant gratification. not exactly a long-term visionary, this one.
at any rate, its high time this little lady got herself to bed. its 10 pm, after all!!
signing off.
Monday, February 8, 2010
no longer lost...but still wallowing in a quarter life crisis.
so today i boldly decided to stop surrendering my life to lost. my life is no longer lost. hopefully that sentence will take on multiple meanings as the days go by. i read the episode summaries of season three and four. halfway through the summaries of season four, i decided that i just dont care anymore. its getting ridiculously fanciful and seems to have dragged on two seasons too long. thats just my opinion.
i started reading an awesome book--valley of the dolls! its so much fun. not exactly mind expanding, but its a start to remind myself that i am, in fact, capable of reading books. hopefully, it will distract me from the fact that i am completely unfulfilled by my work and have very little direction--except towards an airport, come june.
im planning on going to australia and (back to) new zealand to start my yoga training. i will pray for abundance and it will manifest. ("the secret" style) its either in australia...or cleveland. i greatly prefer australia. much more exciting, and only slightly more expensive. the yoga tradition that i want to teach is called "satyananda yoga"--or the bihar school of yoga. to me, it is yoga perfection. the real deal. so, i will pursue my yoga education at a satyananda ashram.
when i come back from oz and nz, i suspect i will settle in LA for a few months...maybe work for Greenpeace and do some street begging on rodeo drive...my friend is starting a yoga program for women in prison, so i am hoping to help her do some fundraising...i will be taking the gres before i leave the country, so when i return, i can easily and effortlessly apply to grad school....
that is, if meaningful work doesnt turn up somewhere else. i am in no hurry for grad school--in fact, i view it as a last resort. i definitely see higher education in my future. however, i am currently completely debt free (save for my 100 dollar credit card bill)...and quite comfortable remaining this way.
currently, i am in an uncomfortable state of limbo. im just sitting around, waiting for june...and making very little money in the waiting process. luckily, i require very little money. also quite lucky that i have an emergency cushion in my savings account...not too much. just about a grand. but a grand is a lot when youre debt free. anyway, im in limbo. sometimes i feel as though my entire existence since graduating college has been a state of limbo.
a bit depressing, but what are the twenties really??? i know very few people right now who are happy with their jobs or their relationships. let alone their jobs and their relationships. its remarkable to recall that when i was 19 i thought i had it all figured out. somehow i never thought id "grow up." i never thought escaping the american education system would be so disorienting and unsatisfying. youd think id be relatively clued in after taking courses like "life leisure and the meaning of happiness." my senior seminar--the philosophy of work. i was a philosophy major for crying out loud!!! didnt i see this whole "human condition" thing coming???!! i wrote my thesis on existentialism!!!
how did i not see this mid twenties crisis approaching?? how did i naively think that i would just casually circumnavigate the oppressingly crushing confusion that settles over twenty-somethings like one of winnie the pooh's little black storm clouds?!?!
at any rate, the quarter life crisis is here. the psychological burden that so many of us middle/upper middle-class-well-educated-suburbanites must suffer as penance for our privilege.
i dont wear it well at all. some people flourish when they are angsty or feeling unproductive. not me--i wallow. i bitch and moan to anyone who will listen and say annoying things like, "i just dont know what im doing with my life" and "im so good at so many things. i just wish someone would recognize my amazingness and give me a meaningful job."
side note--is that really what this dissatisfaction comes down to? the lack of meaningful work? am i that americanized that i am so obsessed with my ability to become a productive member of society? pathetic.
anyway-im hoping i can cut back on my wallowing. im trying to cut myself a little slack. in my opinion, i just became an adult a year ago. im adjusting. last february, i moved out of my mom's house and moved in with a man friend. i went to india last november desperately searching for a way to cut the umbilical cord, so to speak. i was incredibly attached to my mother, so much so that i prayed that she wouldnt have the guts to move out of the country, back to her beloved france. (she hasnt moved yet, for the record.) i just didnt want things to change. part of me just wanted her to continue to take care of me forever and ever. in india, i realized that i needed to break free. i didnt know how, but i mentally knew that i had to release her from my bondage and release myself from hers.
within a week of coming back to the states, i met a boy at a bar. within two months, we moved in together. i moved out of my mom's house across the bridge to philadelphia. this was the transition that marked my entry into THE LAND OF THE ADULTS....dun dun dun! the boy went away on business for seven months, so i stayed in his house as a "tenant," so to speak. and yes, i paid rent. not utilities, but rent. it was a gradual transition to the land of the adults.
now i have moved out of the boy's house and for the past four months, i have been a real adult. paying utilities. and the strange desire to learn about home repairs. anyway, im trying to cut myself a little slack on the wallowing...i just have to be careful not to cut myself too much slack or ill turn into a loser. YIKES!
i started reading an awesome book--valley of the dolls! its so much fun. not exactly mind expanding, but its a start to remind myself that i am, in fact, capable of reading books. hopefully, it will distract me from the fact that i am completely unfulfilled by my work and have very little direction--except towards an airport, come june.
im planning on going to australia and (back to) new zealand to start my yoga training. i will pray for abundance and it will manifest. ("the secret" style) its either in australia...or cleveland. i greatly prefer australia. much more exciting, and only slightly more expensive. the yoga tradition that i want to teach is called "satyananda yoga"--or the bihar school of yoga. to me, it is yoga perfection. the real deal. so, i will pursue my yoga education at a satyananda ashram.
when i come back from oz and nz, i suspect i will settle in LA for a few months...maybe work for Greenpeace and do some street begging on rodeo drive...my friend is starting a yoga program for women in prison, so i am hoping to help her do some fundraising...i will be taking the gres before i leave the country, so when i return, i can easily and effortlessly apply to grad school....
that is, if meaningful work doesnt turn up somewhere else. i am in no hurry for grad school--in fact, i view it as a last resort. i definitely see higher education in my future. however, i am currently completely debt free (save for my 100 dollar credit card bill)...and quite comfortable remaining this way.
currently, i am in an uncomfortable state of limbo. im just sitting around, waiting for june...and making very little money in the waiting process. luckily, i require very little money. also quite lucky that i have an emergency cushion in my savings account...not too much. just about a grand. but a grand is a lot when youre debt free. anyway, im in limbo. sometimes i feel as though my entire existence since graduating college has been a state of limbo.
a bit depressing, but what are the twenties really??? i know very few people right now who are happy with their jobs or their relationships. let alone their jobs and their relationships. its remarkable to recall that when i was 19 i thought i had it all figured out. somehow i never thought id "grow up." i never thought escaping the american education system would be so disorienting and unsatisfying. youd think id be relatively clued in after taking courses like "life leisure and the meaning of happiness." my senior seminar--the philosophy of work. i was a philosophy major for crying out loud!!! didnt i see this whole "human condition" thing coming???!! i wrote my thesis on existentialism!!!
how did i not see this mid twenties crisis approaching?? how did i naively think that i would just casually circumnavigate the oppressingly crushing confusion that settles over twenty-somethings like one of winnie the pooh's little black storm clouds?!?!
at any rate, the quarter life crisis is here. the psychological burden that so many of us middle/upper middle-class-well-educated-suburbanites must suffer as penance for our privilege.
i dont wear it well at all. some people flourish when they are angsty or feeling unproductive. not me--i wallow. i bitch and moan to anyone who will listen and say annoying things like, "i just dont know what im doing with my life" and "im so good at so many things. i just wish someone would recognize my amazingness and give me a meaningful job."
side note--is that really what this dissatisfaction comes down to? the lack of meaningful work? am i that americanized that i am so obsessed with my ability to become a productive member of society? pathetic.
anyway-im hoping i can cut back on my wallowing. im trying to cut myself a little slack. in my opinion, i just became an adult a year ago. im adjusting. last february, i moved out of my mom's house and moved in with a man friend. i went to india last november desperately searching for a way to cut the umbilical cord, so to speak. i was incredibly attached to my mother, so much so that i prayed that she wouldnt have the guts to move out of the country, back to her beloved france. (she hasnt moved yet, for the record.) i just didnt want things to change. part of me just wanted her to continue to take care of me forever and ever. in india, i realized that i needed to break free. i didnt know how, but i mentally knew that i had to release her from my bondage and release myself from hers.
within a week of coming back to the states, i met a boy at a bar. within two months, we moved in together. i moved out of my mom's house across the bridge to philadelphia. this was the transition that marked my entry into THE LAND OF THE ADULTS....dun dun dun! the boy went away on business for seven months, so i stayed in his house as a "tenant," so to speak. and yes, i paid rent. not utilities, but rent. it was a gradual transition to the land of the adults.
now i have moved out of the boy's house and for the past four months, i have been a real adult. paying utilities. and the strange desire to learn about home repairs. anyway, im trying to cut myself a little slack on the wallowing...i just have to be careful not to cut myself too much slack or ill turn into a loser. YIKES!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
yoga anniversary
so right now, im sitting rather lazily on the couch (just like yesterday! imagine that!) ...thinking about what i should make for my next meal of the day. or first meal of the day as the case may be. it is 1pm right now. ive eaten three oatmeal raisin cookies and had two cups of tea. not exactly breakfast.
im thinking of making some dal. but id really like to watch an episode of lost first. i got myself called out of work tonight--i hurt my knee at some point on friday--im thinking it occurred when i did chakrasana the other night. i think i had my knees out of alignment.
see that's the thing with westernized yoga--advanced poses are considered safe for beginners. i am most certainly a beginner--ive been practicing yoga for two years--two years this week, actually! two years ago, i was in new zealand...on the south island, about to begin a one week yoga retreat. that was essentially my true introduction to yoga. i was breaking up with my ex boyfriend at the time and the yoga retreat provided the perfect opportunity to begin our "break." we were supposed to go on a 4 day hike together. i basically ditched him two days before the hike and said "im rolling out to go on a yoga retreat. enjoy the hike."
we were in the process of breaking up--(im not a total bitch) i just expedited that process.
anyway, westernized yoga...back to that. whenever i am in a vinyasa class, i recognize that i look like a yoga baby because i absolutely refuse to get into poses that i dont know to be safe for my body. im sorry--but there is no way im trying handstand or headstand or crow or any of those top of the yoga pyramid poses. first of all, i have no health insurance--and im pretty sure i signed a waiver releasing the studio from any liabilities. second of all, those poses are intended for advanced practitioners. which i am not. of course, in america, we are encouraged to push our bodies to their limits. i am the antithesis of this american ideal, as i sit there in child's pose or shoulderstand, while everyone else inverts effortlessly. perhaps they are all just that farther along in their practice. or they have health insurance. ohhhh how luxurious that would be.
at any rate, im pretty sure skydiving is considerably safer than practicing some of the yoga poses i am encouraged to attempt during open level vinyasa classes. and i have skydived. so me not forcing myself to tip forward into crow is not just because im a scaredy cat.
so back to my original point--i got myself called out of work. its super bowl sunday. there is 2 feet of snow on the ground. my car is 10 blocks away at my friend's house. there is no way in hell im riding my bike in this ice. not without health insurance. not for the 30 dollars id be lucky to make tonight. the perils of being a waitress. when it is going to be slow, you simply dont have to work. sometimes its nice. but it also engenders laziness and an empty bank account.
today it is quite nice. i will finish this little blog post...watch an episode of lost...have a little snack....and start cooking some dal.
there was a period that lasted about two or three months during which i simply was uninterested in food. i wasnt trying to diet. i simply wasnt focusing all of my energy on what my next meal would be. which is quite atypical for me. well, let it be known that that period is over. i want to eat ice cream and cookies and cheese. i keep thinking about all the new restaurants i want to try. food becomes an obsession for me. i need to focus on finding a balance between these two extremes. im not very good at finding balance. but i am very aware of this. which is a start.
im thinking of making some dal. but id really like to watch an episode of lost first. i got myself called out of work tonight--i hurt my knee at some point on friday--im thinking it occurred when i did chakrasana the other night. i think i had my knees out of alignment.
see that's the thing with westernized yoga--advanced poses are considered safe for beginners. i am most certainly a beginner--ive been practicing yoga for two years--two years this week, actually! two years ago, i was in new zealand...on the south island, about to begin a one week yoga retreat. that was essentially my true introduction to yoga. i was breaking up with my ex boyfriend at the time and the yoga retreat provided the perfect opportunity to begin our "break." we were supposed to go on a 4 day hike together. i basically ditched him two days before the hike and said "im rolling out to go on a yoga retreat. enjoy the hike."
we were in the process of breaking up--(im not a total bitch) i just expedited that process.
anyway, westernized yoga...back to that. whenever i am in a vinyasa class, i recognize that i look like a yoga baby because i absolutely refuse to get into poses that i dont know to be safe for my body. im sorry--but there is no way im trying handstand or headstand or crow or any of those top of the yoga pyramid poses. first of all, i have no health insurance--and im pretty sure i signed a waiver releasing the studio from any liabilities. second of all, those poses are intended for advanced practitioners. which i am not. of course, in america, we are encouraged to push our bodies to their limits. i am the antithesis of this american ideal, as i sit there in child's pose or shoulderstand, while everyone else inverts effortlessly. perhaps they are all just that farther along in their practice. or they have health insurance. ohhhh how luxurious that would be.
at any rate, im pretty sure skydiving is considerably safer than practicing some of the yoga poses i am encouraged to attempt during open level vinyasa classes. and i have skydived. so me not forcing myself to tip forward into crow is not just because im a scaredy cat.
so back to my original point--i got myself called out of work. its super bowl sunday. there is 2 feet of snow on the ground. my car is 10 blocks away at my friend's house. there is no way in hell im riding my bike in this ice. not without health insurance. not for the 30 dollars id be lucky to make tonight. the perils of being a waitress. when it is going to be slow, you simply dont have to work. sometimes its nice. but it also engenders laziness and an empty bank account.
today it is quite nice. i will finish this little blog post...watch an episode of lost...have a little snack....and start cooking some dal.
there was a period that lasted about two or three months during which i simply was uninterested in food. i wasnt trying to diet. i simply wasnt focusing all of my energy on what my next meal would be. which is quite atypical for me. well, let it be known that that period is over. i want to eat ice cream and cookies and cheese. i keep thinking about all the new restaurants i want to try. food becomes an obsession for me. i need to focus on finding a balance between these two extremes. im not very good at finding balance. but i am very aware of this. which is a start.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I seem to be creating a blog...aka a self obsessed rant.
I seem to be creating a blog. I don't know exactly how it happened. I'm fairly certain it won't be particularly interesting. I am basically just attempting to do something productive and creative on this snowy South Philly day...I feel this tremendous insecurity because it feels like I'm officially "writing something." I've been journaling since the tender age of 6, so you'd think i'd be used to the whole "writing something" thing. but no one reads my journals. hopefully. it is most likely that no one will ever read this blog either. fingers crossed!
im 25 (almost 25 and a half!) years old...and i am SO BORED with my life at the moment. luckily, i have faith in myself that i will only let myself reach a certain point of mental and spiritual stagnation. im waitressing to pay my bills right now. its the opposite of fulfilling and stimulating. i also dont make very much money. wow. i just noticed how quickly i did away with the pretention of using capital letters and apostrophes. how ee cummings of me. im pretty sure thats the one im thinking of.
anyway, waitressing is tolerable, at best. it would be far more tolerable if i were actually selling food i ate. im a vegetarian, see. i work at a seafood restaurant. i could easily sell matches at a fire. not kidding. i have the gift of gab. (ive certainly warmed up to this blogging thing rather quickly! within minutes, i went from self consciously berating myself for creating such a self indulgent/self important tirade of nonsense...to imagining that i have thousands of readers for whom i am creating a literary delight.)
before i started selling endangered fish, i was working for greenpeace. a far more noble endeavor, if i do say so myself. however, it became quite trying after thirteen months of begging people to give me their credit card numbers. essentially, i was a street beggar. aka "grassroots fundraiser." i prefer the latter job title.
overall, it was an awesome thirteen months--i felt a sense of purpose, i was surrounded by intelligent people, i was constantly challenged and i had kickass health benefits and a steady paycheck. the past five months have been a little different. i barely read the news, i watch a shit ton of tv on hulu, i havent had an intelligent conversation in months, let alone a good argument. my steady paycheck and my health benefits disappeared with my sense of purpose. self destructive habits have manifested--for instance, ive replaced my morning meditation with a morning episode of lost.
discovering that show was the worst decision i ever could have made for my productivity. even right now, as i attempt to be creative, i have an episode just waiting for me, paused and ready to go. thanks hulu. i have even abandoned the daily show, in favor of this island insanity.
i feel as though i am living this winter out in a self-imposed state of isolation. im isolating myself from myself, essentially. as i sit and watch lost on the couch, i stare longingly at my bookshelf...the dusty volumes of kierkegaard peer back at me, taunting me with their substance. do i pick up the postscript? do i page through fear and trembling? absolutely not! instead, i dutifully plow through season three, absorbed by the trials and tribulations of kate and sawyer. even as i laugh at the corny dialogue, i refuse to abandon the survivors of oceanic flight 816. hopefully i got the flight number wrong. hopefully lost has not seeped that deeply into my subconscious.
last winter, i watched the wire. at least that was fully worthy of my attention. mcnulty and avon barksdale and their unsavory cohorts were truly masterful characters. anyway, hopefully creating this little blog will give me the opportunity to get in touch with my creativity, even in the most minimal way. i already feel a little better. its certainly more fulfilling than a cleverly composed facebook status update. perhaps i'll post something else later.
im 25 (almost 25 and a half!) years old...and i am SO BORED with my life at the moment. luckily, i have faith in myself that i will only let myself reach a certain point of mental and spiritual stagnation. im waitressing to pay my bills right now. its the opposite of fulfilling and stimulating. i also dont make very much money. wow. i just noticed how quickly i did away with the pretention of using capital letters and apostrophes. how ee cummings of me. im pretty sure thats the one im thinking of.
anyway, waitressing is tolerable, at best. it would be far more tolerable if i were actually selling food i ate. im a vegetarian, see. i work at a seafood restaurant. i could easily sell matches at a fire. not kidding. i have the gift of gab. (ive certainly warmed up to this blogging thing rather quickly! within minutes, i went from self consciously berating myself for creating such a self indulgent/self important tirade of nonsense...to imagining that i have thousands of readers for whom i am creating a literary delight.)
before i started selling endangered fish, i was working for greenpeace. a far more noble endeavor, if i do say so myself. however, it became quite trying after thirteen months of begging people to give me their credit card numbers. essentially, i was a street beggar. aka "grassroots fundraiser." i prefer the latter job title.
overall, it was an awesome thirteen months--i felt a sense of purpose, i was surrounded by intelligent people, i was constantly challenged and i had kickass health benefits and a steady paycheck. the past five months have been a little different. i barely read the news, i watch a shit ton of tv on hulu, i havent had an intelligent conversation in months, let alone a good argument. my steady paycheck and my health benefits disappeared with my sense of purpose. self destructive habits have manifested--for instance, ive replaced my morning meditation with a morning episode of lost.
discovering that show was the worst decision i ever could have made for my productivity. even right now, as i attempt to be creative, i have an episode just waiting for me, paused and ready to go. thanks hulu. i have even abandoned the daily show, in favor of this island insanity.
i feel as though i am living this winter out in a self-imposed state of isolation. im isolating myself from myself, essentially. as i sit and watch lost on the couch, i stare longingly at my bookshelf...the dusty volumes of kierkegaard peer back at me, taunting me with their substance. do i pick up the postscript? do i page through fear and trembling? absolutely not! instead, i dutifully plow through season three, absorbed by the trials and tribulations of kate and sawyer. even as i laugh at the corny dialogue, i refuse to abandon the survivors of oceanic flight 816. hopefully i got the flight number wrong. hopefully lost has not seeped that deeply into my subconscious.
last winter, i watched the wire. at least that was fully worthy of my attention. mcnulty and avon barksdale and their unsavory cohorts were truly masterful characters. anyway, hopefully creating this little blog will give me the opportunity to get in touch with my creativity, even in the most minimal way. i already feel a little better. its certainly more fulfilling than a cleverly composed facebook status update. perhaps i'll post something else later.
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