the snow must go on...

just kidding. its been snowing since 8 oclock last night...more than 24 hours. im going a little bit insane. and i cant stop eating. right now, im eating all bran, so at least i dont feel very guilty about that. strange that i find a cereal that looks like little pieces of wood delicious. how odd--i just found a wavy black hair in my cereal. hopefully it belongs to my roommate's boyfriend and was in the bowl before i put the cereal in. that is what i will pretend. im not going to let a hair spoil my snack. it doesnt really look like one of his hairs though. im a little bit grossed out. also irritated.

not because of the hair, but because ive spent the last forty minutes with a hair dryer, hovering over my carpet. my room is leaking. the pressure of the snow on the roof is causing my room to moisten considerably. my carpet is soaked a good three feet out from the wall. i discovered this yesterday morning when i got up and headed to my meditation/altar area. much to my dismay, i discovered that the entire area was pretty well soaked. now it is starting to smell rather funky. i cant believe im wasting 500 bucks a month paying rent in this dump. how shitty is my roof??!! now we just got another 18 inches dumped on us-- i want to dry my rug so the mustiness doesnt continue its seepage...but its really uncomfortable kneeling and trying to blow dry a rug.

anyway, i had a horrible night at work last night--i made forty five dollars and served three tables. its time for a power move. on an up note, i did wait on a guy who does fundraising and development for temple. i sent him my resume today...cool guy. i wouldnt mind doing some fundraising for temple. i really enjoy asking people for money. im shockingly good at it. im even toying with the idea of going back to greenpeace. chances are i could get hired back at my old salaried position. it might be a bit of a nightmare being out on the streets canvassing again, but at least id be doing something much more satisfying...and id have a steady paycheck to boot. quite the bonus.

wow. i am straight up exhausted right now--i couldnt sleep at all last night--i laid awake thinking about my miserable job and how its the strangest thing the way some people can make 700 bucks a week there, even in the winter--and i struggle to make 300. its like the universe is just hitting me over the head with the reality that i am meant to close the chapter entitled "waitressing in rittenhouse square."

i just cant wait to see what the next chapter will be--i feel completely paralyzed right now--financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...but i know that this too shall pass. my mantra of 2010. my friend courtney once told me that 25 was the best year of her twenties. im five months into my 25th year. not so impressed. i feel like im finally an adult, as i said before. but i dont feel like im actually taking responsibility for my happiness at the moment.

i recognize that happiness is an internal state of being-that one has the capacity to be happy at any time, under any circumstances. and i know that i dont have it so bad--thats the kicker--i wasnt born in haiti, im rather attractive, i am in pretty good physical health (despite my sub-par muscularity), i have many friends and a wonderful, supportive family network...i have the ability to earn money, i am debt free, i am std free (holla!)...basically, im one lucky little lady--and still i bitch and moan.

basically, i think one of my fundamental problems is that i enjoy self-sabotaging. i dont do the things that bring me the most happiness. id be far happier if i studied for the gres, after doing an hour of yoga today. instead, i laid in bed and watched 30 rock. there's always tomorrow. i somehow developed this mentality that "i deserve it"--any time i want to indulge my lazy side, i convince myself that i deserve it. im quite good at rationalizing my way into whatever will bring me instant gratification. not exactly a long-term visionary, this one.

at any rate, its high time this little lady got herself to bed. its 10 pm, after all!!

signing off.